itsMyJealousyAgain

I find that Im a very jealous person. When things are not about me I do one of 2 things.
Either I withdraw and become non-responsive and go into denial (partially or totally) or I try to demonstrate that I am superior by using several methods, one of which is to put down the person or people or group I am jealous of.
This is a sickening but at the same time good realisation.
When I look around me I see a lot of people being really good at what they do. I realise that I am very average in what I do. This causes me to want to chuck in the towel and just go to bed to sleep to forget.
The fact that I am being confronted with this dreadfulness becomes unbearable.
Perhaps this would be a good theme for a story:
Guy is overly jealous of those around him, tries to do everything to prove he is better, but fails. Realises in the end that nothing is gained by this behaviour and moves on.
This Jealousy thing is all about the power. If I know I am better at something, then I feel a sense of power. I can make other people gape in awe.
When I know I should be encouraging someone to develop their skills, I am actually more concerned with not sharing my knowledge and skills, so that they wont become experienced, because I am afraid that they will be better than me.

Another option is to completely withdraw from any form of confrontation. That way there would be no challenges.

At the end of the day, though, challenges are good, (that's boring but true) and I should cherish that fact that I am feeling challenged because eventually it will lead to me growing again.... and growing is painful.

tryingToSleepLess

Normally Id sleep about 9-10 hours per night. This seems pretty long for a guy of 50, so Ive started to try to go with less sleep. Ive been doing this for a few days and am noticing that Im a grumpy old fuck, who gets angry at the slightest.
If people ignore me, or make stupid comments, Ill get all testy and angry.
If this is the new me then Im disappointed, but I know better than that.
The new me is here but the feelings Im getting still belong to the old me, that was never mentioned in the 'take responsibility of your own life' handbook.
I guess Ill just degrade back to blaming other people or even better, the world.

wtfBackupToTheRightDrive

Why does this guy, we'll call him Jacob, why does he back up his files to the production drive. Has he totally no inkling of what he is computing...? 46GB of data to a drive that is used by production people to save their work.
There are personal drives / partitions available but there is a cap on those of 20GB.
When I helped him out last time, we bought an external hdd, small travel type, that he could use to do backups.
Why doesnt he use that to backup his files.
No thought has gone into this. What the fuck is this guy thinking. I mean, seriously, backing up files is important ok, he got that right, but to a drive that has nothing to do with your backup, that's just stupid.

addicted

I have an addictive personality. If Im not pigging out on food, then Ill be over indulgent in sex or other forms of pleasure. Although for the last 20 years Ive not smoked or taken any drugs, I certainly know what its like to take drugs daily. Even now Ill take, say, paracetamol when I have a headache, and then Ill keep taking it because, somehow, taking it soothes the day to day pain of living.
When I read this back, it sounds like utter bullshit, but its the stuff I struggle with.
Im relatively healthy and not overweight, so I shouldnt complain, but since this is a complaints forum, Ill take that liberty. Ive gotten into this rut where I eat in the morning, while sitting at my computer. Then when Ive finished eating I have some cups of tea after which Im already craving food again. In times gone by, I have always just given in to this craving and in certain periods Ive tried to abstain. The long and short of it is that whatever I try to do, my body is very crafty at finding a backdoor into introducing some form of excess another way. I eliminate the one craving, addiction, dependency with pure and utter force of will, then my body finds some other way to get me hooked on something. I guess my mind is obsessive and the underlying anxieties just dont go away.
And because of those underlying anxieties there is always some overarching need to eat, drink, play, have sex, anything to stop the constant stream of rubbish thought.

problemGoneForNow

Never can tell how things go. It seems there was no further hassling going on. The upset was caused by a misunderstanding. We talked about it and its all good.

But now the next issue!
Why isnt this about me. I cant stand it when Im left out of the loop. I feel I have a right, based on what...?
Dont ask me, but I do. Maybe because I was born an only son and got spoilt rotten.
Whatever the reason. My workmate is considering moving to another job. He has let everyone know and now is just sitting on his decision. Get with it, I say. Take a decision and be done with it. Why be labouring over all this stuff... Anyway he confided in me some of the time but then took to confiding in another guy, not naming names. And now Im jealous. What an idiotic thing to be, but I am it )-:
However practical I try to be about things, my feelings are so strong, they grind me to a halt at times.
So get your act together I say, and either stay here or bloody well leave but dont saunter in limbo forever... I want decisions, not indecisiveness. Its just hideous and anxiety inducing.
Take the risk I say.

hangInThere

Im being harassed that I need to fill out time sheets to the extent that it is getting uncomfortable.
However, my argument that there needs to be a more flexible approach for programmers and developers, is valid and Im sticking to it.
The person at work trying to initiate this strict regime is going to have to back down... if not, Ill be leaving.
This ridiculous anal micromanagement makes it impossible to maintain equilibrium. I wont be straight jacketed by anyone... 

hasslingMe

There is a person at my office who is hassling me. He is one of the directors and I think he wants to get rid of me.
He doesnt like me. Recently management introduced a time management system, or time-logging system, is probably more accurate, in which we are supposed to enter times worked on specific tasks.
Up to then we had a system that allowed us to enter times worked but it was far less diligently enforced.
So now this person is anally micro-managing the new time-logging system to a point where it starts to get to me.
Issues at stake here...
How do you quantify a programmer's time?
How far do you push people by creating an atmosphere of control...?
Is this a normal way of operating a business...?

Programming time is notoriously hard to quantify.
I have tried to explain to the person in question but he is adamant that there be no exceptions or something. I really dont know since I havent talked to him for a while.
This is getting to the point where it is ridiculous...

I might have to start looking for other employment.

shout out loud

This is an attempt to voice those things that I cant really voice elsewhere. Things that frustrate me and make me angry... believe me there are a few...
I cant really talk to anyone about them... or I dont want to... cant talk to my girlfriend about them... or dont want that to be the topic of conversation... since it then colours the relationship... I guess because we dont really talk that much... I want to keep the conversation about more interesting personal things...

This wasnt very angry... never mind... they will arise!